Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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