i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
