My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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