so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
