How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
