im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
