I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
