yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
