roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
