I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Sorry about my life...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
we're so committed to being not committed
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
