handjob tips. give me some.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
