She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
