After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
