Old men and throwing up are my life now.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
