I'm lost and stupid without you.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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