I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
