I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
