sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
