I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
