walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
