what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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