i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
