What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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