wrigley field is MILF paradise
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
