Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
