is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
