did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
