i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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