He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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