john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Randomize
