I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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