you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
