i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
