So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just invented taco cereal.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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