Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
My vagina just recognized that song.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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