wanna go halves on a baby?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
