It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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