I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
