Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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