Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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