just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
