my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
