He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I touched a dick in church today
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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