last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just cut my nipple shaving
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
