I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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