Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
