He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
