I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Randomize
