Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
