Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
