I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
