Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
