Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
