im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
